just as i remembered

we had great news last week. our little guy jumped up to the 10th percentile. i usually am right next to the nurse as she marks his measurements on the growth chart but this time i was was just playing around with him, although i did glanced over and saw that his numbers increased from his last check-up. i was not my old anxious self of needing to see exactly where he was on the charts. when our doctor came in and told us, i was shocked. warmth and comfort came over me and i became surrounded by huge arms that filled the small room. i felt secure and protected and i immediately knew it was my grandfather, who i know is still here with us.

my grandfather was not one of many words, although his presence was greatly felt. he has come to me a few times other times to let me know that things will be alright. once, after a medical procedure and two times the day i broke my collar bone when i was 6 months pregnant. my grandfather came to me when i just realized that i broke my collar bone and then in the emergency room when my concern for the baby escalated. comfort and warmth for a short while in-between the intense pain i was feeling.

my grandfather was the first man in my life and he was a constant figure in my life. we spent a lot of time together, he and i. if i slept over on the weekend, we would have an early breakfast together (my grandmother always slept in) it was always an omelet and he made the best omelets, i still can taste them but have yet to duplicate them. in the spring, we planted his garden together i remember so vividly the feeling of poking my finger down into the cool earth and how vested i was in the entire growing season. in the summer, i always arrived to a bowl of fresh ripe raspberries and a refreshing pitcher of ice tea with mint from the garden. in the winter, we gathered around the wood burning fireplace and we put in the sparkling colors. those colors were beautiful amidst the flames. and my grandfather always had a big cozy chair. there was always room in his chair for me and that comforting feeling is just as i remembered.

:: i will say that my days have been pretty great lately. i've been packing up a picnic and heading out to enjoy the outdoors, parks, nature centers and local watering holes. i've been allowing more time for creative opportunities and i've been keeping the words from the mindful connection webcast from jennifer louden accessible, "there is nothing to do and no where to go." 

obviously, there is always something to do within the home, whether it is the laundry, dishes, preparing meals, cleaning, etc. and to be honest, i feel like i have a never ending list that i never manage to complete before another week of duties gets piled on. it has been exhausting. so for me, for my family, i needed to get out, get out of my house, stop thinking about all i have to do. 

as mothers we tend to take on everything ourselves. we tend to not take a break until our "work" is complete. initially, i felt guilty taking some time off, but now i need the time. and when i come back home, i have more to offer my family.

:: and while the chilly, rainy weather kept us inside, my daughter set out a picnic for us today. it was lovely to take a little break. 

happy mother's day

every day is a gift in life to experience their loveliness. happy mother's day to all the mamas!

(trying to capture a ppic with my children still)

a very fairy birthday

:: to my sweet little baby girl, who is not so little anymore. the time has gone by so fast and now you are 6 years old. words can not explain how your love and beautiful soul has brought boundless joy into my life. you teach me more everyday about life. i love you so.

:: birthday preparations coming together. some projects i was able to finish and others i did not. i mistakenly did not have a single piece of wool felt long enough to back the crown, so that will sadly be a belated birthday present. i am bummed about her crown but i did made a new decoration for our birthday ring. i have a special song that i sing to my little butterfly, which is why i made her a little butterfly. we also made some delicious wands from chocolate covered pretzels and skewers of fruit. 

 :: my little one has really enjoyed our valentine's day scavenger hunts for the past few years, so i made up a little scavenger hunt for her birthday party. this time, with a fairy theme. i had collected pine cones, acorn caps, dried echinacea from the garden and i added some geode slices, treasure eggs, little star sequins, little brooms and miniature wooden rolling pins & clothespins. we also had some fairy toad stools and i made up some tiny seeds packets out of waxed paper, in which i enclosed sunflower, snap pea and pumpkin seeds. 

the children ran around with their fairy ribbon wands looking for the fairy treasures. they were pointing out all sorts of things around our yard that the fairies could use and it was great seeing them take a closure look into nature. they all had fun breaking open their treasure eggs, drawing and running around the yard barefoot. 

i overhead my friends saying amongst themselves that our party was refreshing and that parties for children are so big nowadays... and i feel some sort of acceptance from our friends to some extent. a lot of times i really do shy away from any discussions as to why i do what i do with my little ones because it is just beyond their reality. but that's a whole other blog entry.

:: my daughter loved the echinacea wands so much. (the carved stick was a gift from one of my daughter's friends. the friend's grandfather did a little carving on the stick and he decided to give it to my daughter for her birthday. so sweet) 

:: and i think these feet speak for themselves. 

birthday song   anonymous
found in a child's seasonal treasury

In heaven shines a golden star
an angel led me from a far.
From heaven high unto the earth 
and brought me to my house of birth.

Oh welcome welcome lovely day
With sunshine bright and flowers gay.
With painted birds that sing their song 
and make me kind and good and strong.

enjoying the journey

:: allowing ourselves to be....what a wonderful gift

making flower children

:: we wait in anticipation of each blossoms we will see unfolding around us. each day brings even more beauty into our lives ~ snowdrops, daffodils, magnolias, cherry blossoms, pear blossoms, rhododendrons, violets, dandelions, grape hyacinth, bleeding hearts and our hyacinths anyday. 

:: my daughter and i made a little snowdrop in preparation of spring. we used the pattern in feltcraft. the little snowdrop has been sleeping under my little one's pillow every night and i can tell her love for him comes from us crafting him together. i especially enjoy these days when we can look at our festival resources together and decide what we would like to create. in the background is the flower book with beautiful ida bohatta morpurgo illustrations from 1946, which my little one found in her easter basket. 

 :: i found some violets and dandelions on my walk with the baby today. i arranged them on the nature table for my little one to discover. i hope you too are enjoying the beauty that is unfolding around you.

watch vince grow

1. plant seed in dirt
2. cover with dirt
3. water seeds
4. let sun shine
5. watch sunflowers grow


our little guy is progressing each day, which is wonderful, looking at the big picture. our day to day feedings continue to be a little rough lately. it can be very frustrating and stressful, when our little guy refuses his food and drinks. it can make me feel so sad. but when he eats most of his meal or drinks well, it just makes me feel so happy, it makes me feel that he's going to grow healthy and strong. 

a first birthday

it was my little guy's first birthday. 

to my precious baby boy, who has the sweetest smile and the most precious brown eyes. and did I say how I love your bashful side and all those mamas just melt my heart. and when you come running into my arms with a great big hug, those are just the best. and how your curl up to me at night. and how excited you get when your daddy comes home. and how much you adore your big sister and how happy you are playing with her. and i know she's pretty great, but boy you just love her sososo much and it is just a beautiful thing to be a witness to.

you have taught me to love and laugh in the toughest of times (or should I say at midnight, 2 am, 4 am, and 6 am) but the truth be told that this year has been the most challenging and the hardest year that i've had as a mama. and i've learned that i am stronger than i thought and our family is much stronger, as we work together, giving thanks for what we have. 

happy birthday

happy birthday daddy. we spent the day planning for my husband's birthday. my little one put so much thought into the preparations, it was very lovely, she is very lovely. from making his card to creating and arranging a beautiful space for our festivities. she made a birthday banner from her finger knit chains (with a little help in cutting out the wool circles). another of her finger knit chains was used to wrap up his present. it is wonderful to see her love gifted in these thoughtful and beautiful gestures.

inching up the charts

when we last talked about my little one's poor growth and failing to thrive, he had been declining on the growth chart over 5 months. i am so thankful for family who support led me to search out new doctors and answers to my questions. each doctor brought us along our path to the next, appointments opened up and the big questions were answered very quickly for us. poor feeding is what has been determined and we are working with a feeding team at the children's medical hospital. we have the support of a few doctors and i feel great about our plan moving forward.

while there are a few things that led to this, the main issues has been that my little one would rather be on the move. through the evening, he has always nursed very well, nursing every 2-3 hours. in talking with a doctor, he said that my little one is in a drowsy state of mind which is allowing for his good feedings. a light bulb went off and now, as soon as i hear the little one stirring from his nap, i run upstairs to nurse him. (prior, we were nursing before his naps) we are fortunate that my little one has taken to his solids and he gets 3 meals and 3 mini-meals a day that we mix in a 1/2 teaspoon of olive oil and a high calorie formula in his food. we are focusing on high calorie foods (pumpkin, olives, hummus, pasta and potatoes) and foods rich in proteins, as well as variety and brain building foods.

my little one also has an intolerance to milk protein. my diet has also remained egg-free since christmas time and i am a little suspicious of egg seeing my daughter was allergic to egg through the age of 3 years. i have found this resource very helpful in ensuring i have eliminated my son's suspected allergens from the food that i eat, as allergens can be hidden within the ingredients. the document, how to read a label, if you suspect a food allergy or intolerance, i advise you to seek medical advice. allergic reactions can be life threatening) i have found that with my daughter and now my son's intolerance, that preparing and planning ahead are crucial. the great news is that there are so many resources on the internet. there are also wonderful blogs, dedicated to sharing their family's experience and recipes. the recipes are so so so helpful. thank you to everyone who shared their stories with me.

i am so grateful to the mothering boards and to those who respond and leave comments. mamas helping mamas, sharing their story and experiences. they really helped me to have prior knowledge when talking to the different doctors. they gave me hope and the feeling that i was not alone.

above all i encourage other mothers to listen to your inner voice. ask as many questions as you need to, seek out people to help your answer your concerns and questions and above all, ask your doctors what are ALL the options (something i learned with both my deliveries, a whole other story to tell one day. if you are going to be delivering, another critical thinking questions is to ask if the decision needs to be made right now or do you have some time to think about your decision) sometimes a doctor talks about only 1 option because in their mind they believe it is the best option. and while you can respect their opinion, i feel grateful to have learned to ask about all the options so that i can choose what is best for my family.

today, my little guy is back on the growth chart. he's in the 4th percentile on weight and he's reaching up to the 50th percentile on height. we are inching up the charts!

thank you all for your support and keeping us in your thoughts
with growing gratitude,
christine

a visit from rosa lily

prior to losing her first tooth, we had been discussing what would happen when the time came. we said that she would get to keep her first tooth and that the tooth fairy would come and leave her something special under her pillow. i really had my chance to keep this simple. i think that keeping it simple makes it very sweet and special. and magical.

i had a tiny tooth fairy card that i had been saving for a very long time from the silver penny. it had a place for the child's name, date and the tooth fairy's name, which i found some help over here with names. rosa lily left some magical sequin stars, 2 quarters and a rose quartz heart. my little one cherishes that she has a special tooth fairy and much excitement is revealed as she retells everyone about this special event in precise, sequential order.

...and so the magic continues as my little one leaves her fairy some trinkets on her windowsill and a drawing under her pillow this evening. i will say going under the pillow is mighty tricky. but the magic it brings is something i hope she holds with her as she grows.

a missing tooth

:: her first tooth. it was a little loose earlier in the week and tonight it came out. she is very excited that she gets to keep her first tooth and that the tooth fairy will pay her a visit tonight. she left the tooth fairy a piece of concrete that she found today so the tooth fairy could build a house with.

running in the new year

:: peek-a-boo
:: gaining momentum while coming around the corner. you should see this little guy running. it is so delightful.



:: loving her new sweater. thank you uncle jim and aunt kathy


:: the sweet aroma of our paperwhites



:: creating a new window star (kite paper, contact paper and heavier paper for the cut out frame)


:: wet-on-wet painting
:: 3 kings day

this week has been filled enjoying time with my little one and visits to new doctors, and researching. and taking a relaxing soak each night, reading and going to bed early. i feel a sense of empowerment, taking matters into my own hands. for a mother who thinks there is something wrong when their little one is not thriving, one needs to search for answers. my ped seems to be on board now and i feel much better. i also feel a sense of calm (at times, as the sleep deprivation brings on a roller coaster of emotions), knowing that i will be able to handle anything that comes our way.

seeing i am still nursing, we had been following our nd's recommendation of eliminating soy, dairy (including goat's yogurt, which is similar to the protein in milk), egg and wheat from my diet and feeding the little one more throughout the day. i have found that "safe" food is about planning and preparing a head of time and reading the label on everything. when my little one did start going to me less and less to nurse, i had to cut back on his food to preserve that precious supply.

after some allergy testing (scratch test) we determined that there is not a true allergy to the suspecting foods. but, i feel strongly and know that my little one reacted to cow's milk products when i had them and more recently he reacted to goat's milk yogurt. it is safe to say that my little one has an intolerance to dairy, so dairy will be continued to be eliminated from our diets. i am uncertain about the soy. for the meantime, dairy will be cut out and i will bring back eggs, soy and wheat to my diet until we determine that they need to be cut out. up next we are off to a GI doctor.

while things may be difficult at times, i know that we'll get through this together... as a family. taking time to enjoy the simple things together. and i feel so ever grateful for my family...for family who offers unconditional support and parents and grandparents who offer their experience and guidance... for my daughter who is ever so patiently with me...for my little guy who makes me laugh and love in the most challenges times and my husband who handles his concern and eases my worrying.

9 months

:: my little guy
:: walking at 8 1/2 months
:: loves bananas
:: he is sooo excited to see his daddy comes home
:: saying mama, dada, baba, A-a (for his sister) and we had a few uh-ohs
:: loves nursing morning, noon, and night
:: loves emptying baskets

it seems a fitting time to say that i have been having a difficult time here. while i know there are many new changes that come with a new baby, things should get a little easier as they get a little older. but, this has not happened here. my little one had been sick since halloween and thankfully has recovered a few days before christmas. as any mother would do, i have done everything possible to get him nursing and well. he has been slowly slipping down on the growth chart. he has gone from 90% in height to the 25% in height and his weight is below the chart. friends and family have been so kind to help ease my worries with their words. but in my heart, this has been very unsettling for me. another round of recently blood work came back normal, which my doctor is content with but it leaves me with so many unanswered questions.

... i held off from publishing but a recent visit to another doctor in search of answers to my questions and concerns has brought new hope and something positive to report to everyone. our doctor thinks that my little guy is reacting to something i am eating. so we are adjusting our diet. in addition to being free of cow's milk products, i will be gluten-free, egg-free, and soy-free. with that comes some changes to the family's diet as well.

and i wanted to thank you and this space for giving me a little escape and outlet. truthfully, i have not been taking time for myself, as i know so many other mothers have trouble finding the time, especially with a new baby. with my little one's last round of testing, i had to do some tapping techniques or eft that i learned years ago to center myself, release some emotions, and keep me in the now. i feel great gratitude that i was able to utilize this technique and it reminded me of a time when i was more at peace. and it is something that i need to work on, so i will be taking some time to soak in the tub and do some reading, to start off with. if you need some time for yourself, i hope that you allow yourself some time as well.

childhood memories

from as young as i could remember, my family had the tradition of gathering at my great grandparents house to celebrate and rejoice in the holiday with food, good cheer and song. the house was filled with great aunts and uncles and lots of cousins and our evening went late into the night singing christmas carols together. when we decided on which song to sing, everyone would be flipping through their books trying to find song, some seemed to flip longer than others because back in the day, we all had different song books. these days, we all have the same song book which makes it very easy to help each other find the page. this year our helper announced the song and the page and gave us a 10 count. and i sit back, filled with great joy and gratitude to share these beautiful traditions with my little ones. and as we start new ones of our own, i know they are the beginning of new magical childhood memories.